We are about to lose our home. There, I said it. I can't tell you how difficult it is for me to accept that this is going to happen. I am a fighter by nature, and this is a terrible admission. My husband hasn't worked since March, is collecting unemployment, and I am only working part-time for his foot doctor. In other words, our income is roughly 1/3 than it was when we were both working full-time.
The company he worked for (owned by the 'friend' we gave up everything for and moved out here to work with), closed and the 'friend' moved back to San Diego. There is no more band (I didn't even get a chance to perform in front of an audience), and the 'friend' had the audacity to complain about the fact that his job waiting for him in San Diego with Costco only paid $21.00 per hour. He actually said this to my husband who has NO JOB, NO PROSPECTS, LIMITED SKILLS, IS ALMOST 50 YEARS OLD, and don't forget, GAVE UP EVERYTHING TO WORK WITH HIM!!!!!
It makes me sick. But then, what else is new? I'm sick all the time now. The stress is really wearing on my health, and I still haven't been able to get my iron infusion that I've needed since January. At least I'm not hungry, therefore not eating, therefore losing weight. The stress diet is a sure thing for me.
I remember thinking everything I went through last year was so horrible, well, this year has really put it all to shame. My MIL moved back to San Diego (again), but the DIL and grandson are still living with us (of course!) and it is just awful. The whining, the melt-downs, screaming, and crying from him... and piss-poor attitude from her are making me want to give everything up. I really don't know why I am fighting to keep the house and going through the nightmare of trying to get a loan modification, if all I can see in my future is what I'm having to deal with now. I have started to leave twice now, she's been threatened to be kicked out twice now. But really, what does that solve? I leaves our grandson with no home and neither one of us can stand the thought of that. If I leave, I lose my hubby and break both our hearts. But honestly, I'd rather leave and have his broken heart on her conscience (knowing it was her fault), than having his broken heart on my conscience for kicking the grandson to the curb with her (and having it be because of me).
I just don't know what to do. Always before, when there was trauma and drama to get through for my hubby, there was a light at the end of the tunnel. "Well, the kids will be grown and gone someday", "Well his parents are old, and this won't last forever", "Well, it's worth it because we are getting our dream house", "Well, we gave up our dream house to come here and lose everything, but we still have each other." And now, I don't feel like I even have that. I have given up everything for him and his family and it's gotten me nowhere. My dad has little to nothing to do with me because he was shoved to the side for so many years, and my mom and sister too... although they forgive me and we are on good terms.
I have never felt like this before, I feel lost and alone. I don't know who I am, or where the real me went... or when she was gone for good.
I'm tired. Tired of crying, tired of complaining, tired of reasoning, tired of giving in and giving up, tired of explaining, tired of being angry and bitter.
I'm sorry.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
A belated RIP to Michael and my childhood...
My mom called me in tears at work Tuesday, after watching Michael Jackson's memorial. my hubby was recording it for me, so I didn't know anything about what I was going to see, hear, or experience. She told me it was beautiful and very sad, and I told her I wasn't sure if I should watch it then, because I have been very stressed out and emotional lately. So much so, that I really hadn't accepted that MJ was truly gone. I didn't know if the memorial would send me into a downward spiral or help me start the grieving process. She said I should definately watch it, but only when I thought I was ready.
I got home from work and was talking to hubby about it. He'd been watching it all day, along with the commentary about things Michael had done that were so amazingly good, that hubby had no idea about. He wanted to know why no one ever reported on any of the good stuff and why MJ didnt' have a publicist or something to make it all known and to get credit for it. I told him that people (for the most part) pay more attention to dirt and negative things, so the media reports it and makes more money. I also told him that MJ didn't want credit for his good deeds, he did them because he was an extraordinary, kind, and gentle soul. My husband had a whole new perspective of MJ, and believe me, that was amazing in itself, because he was a hard-core skeptic when it came to MJ and his relationships with children. I'd tried and tried over the years to make him understand my feelings from DEEP in my heart that MJ didn't do those terrible things to those kids, but it was too far-out for him to get. And I understand that most people didn't get it, either. But I did. Don't ask me how, but I understood MJ completely. It hurts so bad to think of the pain he endured, all the while trying so hard to help people. We didn't deserve him.
He was such a huge part of my (and millions of others') childhood. My sister and my cousin were giant fans, my sister had a red jacket from the "Beat It" video, and she and my cousin would put on shows for us. It was hilarious. I've been a fan since I was 4 years old, listening to 8-track tapes of the Jackson 5 and the Carpenters in my parents' car. My mom told me once, that after listening to "I'll Be There" with her in the car, I sighed, turned to her and said, "I love him and am going to marry him when I grow up." Isn't that funny?
It seems every stage in my life had Michael in it somehow. There will be an emptiness now. I will miss him terribly and am so thankful I was alive during his time on Earth. He was an inspiration as an entertainer, and as a truly good person.
I got home from work and was talking to hubby about it. He'd been watching it all day, along with the commentary about things Michael had done that were so amazingly good, that hubby had no idea about. He wanted to know why no one ever reported on any of the good stuff and why MJ didnt' have a publicist or something to make it all known and to get credit for it. I told him that people (for the most part) pay more attention to dirt and negative things, so the media reports it and makes more money. I also told him that MJ didn't want credit for his good deeds, he did them because he was an extraordinary, kind, and gentle soul. My husband had a whole new perspective of MJ, and believe me, that was amazing in itself, because he was a hard-core skeptic when it came to MJ and his relationships with children. I'd tried and tried over the years to make him understand my feelings from DEEP in my heart that MJ didn't do those terrible things to those kids, but it was too far-out for him to get. And I understand that most people didn't get it, either. But I did. Don't ask me how, but I understood MJ completely. It hurts so bad to think of the pain he endured, all the while trying so hard to help people. We didn't deserve him.
He was such a huge part of my (and millions of others') childhood. My sister and my cousin were giant fans, my sister had a red jacket from the "Beat It" video, and she and my cousin would put on shows for us. It was hilarious. I've been a fan since I was 4 years old, listening to 8-track tapes of the Jackson 5 and the Carpenters in my parents' car. My mom told me once, that after listening to "I'll Be There" with her in the car, I sighed, turned to her and said, "I love him and am going to marry him when I grow up." Isn't that funny?
It seems every stage in my life had Michael in it somehow. There will be an emptiness now. I will miss him terribly and am so thankful I was alive during his time on Earth. He was an inspiration as an entertainer, and as a truly good person.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Has it really been 3 1/2 months?!
Ok people, there is a whole slew of blog awards for really great blogs and their writers. I hereby state that there should be an award for "Most Inconsistant Blogger" (which is kind of an oxymoron since if you are the most inconsistant, than that is consistantly inconsistant, which isn't inconsistant at all). I am going to just throw out there that I should be the first recipient of this award. Anyone care to second this nomination? Anyone? Hello??!!
Ahem. Anyway, for those of you who might check in from time to time and see that there hasn't been an update in over a trimester of pregnancy (Hi Audra! Welcome little Olivia!), I am going to let y'all in on my life.
I am working again. Thank God. I was off for over a month after the bakery closed. I now work for the doctor who fixed my husband's foot. We got to be good friends with him and as soon as he was able, he put me to work. I take care of his adorable 1-year old daughter on Mondays, and work at his office the rest of the week. I am happy to be back in the medical field again, it's easy work for me, but I also am learning a lot... since I've never worked with feet before. I really feel that this is a rewarding field as far as helping people, because foot pain and problems are easily some of the worst things that can be wrong with someone. I mean, you can't just decide to walk on your hands, after all.
Hubby's foot is doing great. Everything is healed perfectly and he is walking on it very well. The ultimate test and proof for both of us was a couple of weeks ago, grocery shopping at WalMart. He was able to get all the shopping done with me, without sitting down to rest or using a motorized cart. Also, we took the boat out on Easter Sunday with some visiting relatives, and I had to park the truck pretty far away... he walked to the truck no problem. It was so awesome.
My husband has been in bands for over 30 years. He started a new band with his foot doctor, and a couple of guys he'd been in bands with before. I've always wanted to sing backups, but never had the chance (all his previous bands were established, or I was rasing kids, or working full-time, etc.). Well, I spouted off that I wanted to sing in the band too, and he took me up on it, so now I am the back-up singer!!! We are in the rehearsal stages right now, but are looking to play locally from time to time toward the end of the summer. I really got scared when hubby told me he told the band I wanted to sing, and they said why not... I wasn't sure I could sing well enough and almost chickened out. Then I thought, "well, I've always wanted to do this, and at this age I most likely won't get another chance... so I really should go for it." I've never sang in public before except for Jr. High choir and I can't say I won't be terrified our first few gigs, but it's fun and I am a better singer than I thought. It's totally different though, hearing yourself through a speaker than just in your head with the radio....LOL. You have to listen to yourself OUTSIDE of your head... it's weird and hard to explain, but cool.
My home situation went from bad to worse. My MIL is now living in her 5th wheel in our backyard. I hate it. On a bit of a bright note, she went back east a couple of weeks ago and it took some stress off my mind, but I think she is planning on flying back (on her broom... ha ha Harmony!) this weekend. I wish she would just stay there forever. I also wish my step-daughter would go too. Yep, she and her son are still living with us. I can say that things are marginally better as far as that goes, but she has to be ridden HARD to keep up with the things she is supposed to do around the house. She is exactly the same as she was when she was a kid. She still doesn't have a job, but I will give her the fact that nobody can get work in this town right now.
Hubby's work has been somewhat better with the big asshole gone, but they are really slow and he is only getting part-time hours most weeks. We are hanging on by a thread, but that's better than no threads like a lot of people... I am thankful for anything.
Ummmm, let's see... I can't really think of anything else going on, hubby and I are getting over the flu (again), my iron levels are down again (don't know if I ever posted about that before or not), it's getting hot here, and I need to lose 30 lbs. LOL!
We got some really gorgeous pictures of Storm last week, and as soon as the our friend sends us the disc of proofs, I'll post one or two for you guys.
I really REALLY want to post regularly again, I can get online at lunch time so maybe I can sneak in a quick post at least once a week (sheesh)... I think it helps my mental state to write stuff down, although my favorite things to post are upbeat and/or funny. Maybe someday I'll get to that point again. I hope.
Ahem. Anyway, for those of you who might check in from time to time and see that there hasn't been an update in over a trimester of pregnancy (Hi Audra! Welcome little Olivia!), I am going to let y'all in on my life.
I am working again. Thank God. I was off for over a month after the bakery closed. I now work for the doctor who fixed my husband's foot. We got to be good friends with him and as soon as he was able, he put me to work. I take care of his adorable 1-year old daughter on Mondays, and work at his office the rest of the week. I am happy to be back in the medical field again, it's easy work for me, but I also am learning a lot... since I've never worked with feet before. I really feel that this is a rewarding field as far as helping people, because foot pain and problems are easily some of the worst things that can be wrong with someone. I mean, you can't just decide to walk on your hands, after all.
Hubby's foot is doing great. Everything is healed perfectly and he is walking on it very well. The ultimate test and proof for both of us was a couple of weeks ago, grocery shopping at WalMart. He was able to get all the shopping done with me, without sitting down to rest or using a motorized cart. Also, we took the boat out on Easter Sunday with some visiting relatives, and I had to park the truck pretty far away... he walked to the truck no problem. It was so awesome.
My husband has been in bands for over 30 years. He started a new band with his foot doctor, and a couple of guys he'd been in bands with before. I've always wanted to sing backups, but never had the chance (all his previous bands were established, or I was rasing kids, or working full-time, etc.). Well, I spouted off that I wanted to sing in the band too, and he took me up on it, so now I am the back-up singer!!! We are in the rehearsal stages right now, but are looking to play locally from time to time toward the end of the summer. I really got scared when hubby told me he told the band I wanted to sing, and they said why not... I wasn't sure I could sing well enough and almost chickened out. Then I thought, "well, I've always wanted to do this, and at this age I most likely won't get another chance... so I really should go for it." I've never sang in public before except for Jr. High choir and I can't say I won't be terrified our first few gigs, but it's fun and I am a better singer than I thought. It's totally different though, hearing yourself through a speaker than just in your head with the radio....LOL. You have to listen to yourself OUTSIDE of your head... it's weird and hard to explain, but cool.
My home situation went from bad to worse. My MIL is now living in her 5th wheel in our backyard. I hate it. On a bit of a bright note, she went back east a couple of weeks ago and it took some stress off my mind, but I think she is planning on flying back (on her broom... ha ha Harmony!) this weekend. I wish she would just stay there forever. I also wish my step-daughter would go too. Yep, she and her son are still living with us. I can say that things are marginally better as far as that goes, but she has to be ridden HARD to keep up with the things she is supposed to do around the house. She is exactly the same as she was when she was a kid. She still doesn't have a job, but I will give her the fact that nobody can get work in this town right now.
Hubby's work has been somewhat better with the big asshole gone, but they are really slow and he is only getting part-time hours most weeks. We are hanging on by a thread, but that's better than no threads like a lot of people... I am thankful for anything.
Ummmm, let's see... I can't really think of anything else going on, hubby and I are getting over the flu (again), my iron levels are down again (don't know if I ever posted about that before or not), it's getting hot here, and I need to lose 30 lbs. LOL!
We got some really gorgeous pictures of Storm last week, and as soon as the our friend sends us the disc of proofs, I'll post one or two for you guys.
I really REALLY want to post regularly again, I can get online at lunch time so maybe I can sneak in a quick post at least once a week (sheesh)... I think it helps my mental state to write stuff down, although my favorite things to post are upbeat and/or funny. Maybe someday I'll get to that point again. I hope.
Friday, January 30, 2009
OMG... two posts in one week!
Yep, it's true. I'm posting today. Hubby is sick with the flu, he's been off all week (slow at work again), baby is asleep, step-daughter is watching tv, dogs are napping. I should be cleaning the house, but really, I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. I get resentful that no one really helps much to keep it up, and I am tired of being mad. It's making me sick.
Hubby (in his infinate wisdom) actually said, "Well, this is what you've been wanting for so long... to stay home and keep house!" Is he kidding me? Yes, I've been longing for years to be able to stay home and keep up the perfect house, and have dinner ready when he gets home from work, and grocery shop and all the rest. BUT... not under these circumstances. It's chaos here from sun-up to sun-down. I meant BY MYSELF. I do not do well with constant stress, noise, and confusion. I get nothing accomplished, and all I can do is think about escaping. It would actually be better if it was just the baby here. My step-daughter's presence raises the stress-level in this house to ridiculous heights. Even the baby is 1,000 times calmer when she is out doing things and I, or my hubby and I are taking care of him. It's insane.
I don't know what I'm going to do, because I really don't think I can do this much longer. Then I realize there is no end in sight, and I get very despondant about that. I keep thinking I'll get used to it, like I have so many other times about crap I've had to deal with like this, but I'm just not so sure this time. For one thing, I don't want to get used to it. That's a big difference. I tend to suck things up and just keep going. Because I want to. But I don't think I want to play that game with myself any more.
On a good note, we got a call the other day from hubby's boss (the supposed friend), who told us that the SOB foreman up and quit with no notice! We were stunned and thrilled all at the same time. I am hoping that this will make his life way easier at work, the physical part will still be hard, but at least there won't be a scumbag piece of shit on his ass all the time and turning everyone there against my hubby. We'll see how it goes, but it should be a million times better. Thank God!
I'm still not working, but am collecting unemployment for now, which oddly enough, is a tiny bit more than I was making at the bakery. It's still not enough to pay all the bills, but it's better than nothing. I have an interview next Tuesday at a Dr.'s office for part-time front desk help, and it comes with benefits too. I'm curious to see what the pay is, hours are, and bennies they include. I'm excited though!
Hubby (in his infinate wisdom) actually said, "Well, this is what you've been wanting for so long... to stay home and keep house!" Is he kidding me? Yes, I've been longing for years to be able to stay home and keep up the perfect house, and have dinner ready when he gets home from work, and grocery shop and all the rest. BUT... not under these circumstances. It's chaos here from sun-up to sun-down. I meant BY MYSELF. I do not do well with constant stress, noise, and confusion. I get nothing accomplished, and all I can do is think about escaping. It would actually be better if it was just the baby here. My step-daughter's presence raises the stress-level in this house to ridiculous heights. Even the baby is 1,000 times calmer when she is out doing things and I, or my hubby and I are taking care of him. It's insane.
I don't know what I'm going to do, because I really don't think I can do this much longer. Then I realize there is no end in sight, and I get very despondant about that. I keep thinking I'll get used to it, like I have so many other times about crap I've had to deal with like this, but I'm just not so sure this time. For one thing, I don't want to get used to it. That's a big difference. I tend to suck things up and just keep going. Because I want to. But I don't think I want to play that game with myself any more.
On a good note, we got a call the other day from hubby's boss (the supposed friend), who told us that the SOB foreman up and quit with no notice! We were stunned and thrilled all at the same time. I am hoping that this will make his life way easier at work, the physical part will still be hard, but at least there won't be a scumbag piece of shit on his ass all the time and turning everyone there against my hubby. We'll see how it goes, but it should be a million times better. Thank God!
I'm still not working, but am collecting unemployment for now, which oddly enough, is a tiny bit more than I was making at the bakery. It's still not enough to pay all the bills, but it's better than nothing. I have an interview next Tuesday at a Dr.'s office for part-time front desk help, and it comes with benefits too. I'm curious to see what the pay is, hours are, and bennies they include. I'm excited though!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Bruised and bloody, she rises from the battlefield
I would imagine some of you (hi, Harmony!) think I've disappeared from the blogosphere forever. Well, truth be told, I almost did. Then I read a post on my good friend's (hi, Harmony!) blog about how some people are way too caught up on being busy.
Guilty as charged.I'd like to think that some of the information on my life that I've shared, would have readers nodding their heads and saying, "Yes, she certainly is a busy girl". And, in light of recent developments which I will illustrate in a minute, I still think I can utilize the excuse of being "too busy". I will also cite exhaustion as a runner-up excuse. However, I don't want to play that game any more. As I sit here typing away, I realize that I am feeling a sense of satisfaction at having done something for me... for ME. Small as it is, I feel good doing it. I can chalk this up to being a good day. I am blogging, and I took Storm and Ben to the dog park. For once, I didn't let "too busy" or his good friend "too tired" get in the way.
Thanks for the swift kick in my cushy posterior, Harmony.
Now for the newest updates (trumpet fanfare please)....
**My stepdaughter left her boyfriend, now she and my two-year old grandson live with us. They have been here since about a week after Thanksgiving. I do not know when they will be moving out, if ever. I now have a toddler terrorizing the house. I love him dearly, but this is hard and unexpected. The house is a shambles, my step-daughter is a slob, and my grandson has major issues with listening, since he was allowed to do whatever he wanted. Both is parents are incredibly lazy. It was too much work to teach him any discipline. I have to say he is getting better with some structure in his life and he adores my hubby and I.
**Christmas was good. My sister, her fiancee', my mom and her fiancee' came out to our place this year. It was all I could do to get all the decorations up, and I only did so because I realized that this was the only Christmas they would be getting. My hubby helped me a lot while I was at work, and we got it done. The house looked beautiful. My family was very appreciative of the work and we had a great time. They were here from Tuesday until Saturday.
**I have lost 22 pounds since starting my new job. Which is really funny if you think about the fact that it's at a bakery. I was running my ass off for 8 to 9 hours 4 to 5 days a week and only eating once a day. We weren't allowed to sit down at all, and if we ate during our shift, it was standing up when we got a spare minute. No breaks!!!
**Just when I was getting used to the above-mentioned job, and my feet didn't hurt like motherfuckers and my back wasn't screaming and I didn't collapse in a heap when I got home... the bakery closed. That's right. CLOSED. The financial backers got greedy and made demands on my boss that she couldn't deliver on, so they decided to bankrupt the business and take a loss. Mind you, this was a very busy and popular restaraunt and we were making good money... but it had only been open a year and was just barely starting to turn a small profit. So that's that. We got called in to a meeting this past Monday and told the bad news. I'd just worked the day before, and that was the last day we were allowed to be open. It's unbelieveable. So now I'm looking for another job. Great.
**Hubby's foot is totally healed. There is a small area where the ulcer was that just needs one of the big-size band aids, but other than that, he is wearing regular tennis shoes and walks around pretty darn good. There is still quite a bit of swelling, and his foot gets tired and sore, but nothing like the pain he was in before he got it fixed. Actually his knee on his other leg hurts the most now, but it's because the knee is having to re-align from a lifetime of bearing all the weight and walking crooked, to the ligaments and tendons are protesting at their new position. The doctor said this will all resolve itself over time. We have become good friends with his foot doctor, in fact my hubby is starting a band with him...LOL. They are together right now practicing with the other guys. So funny.
**My crazy mother-in-law is going to be living in our back yard. She decided she made a mistake leaving here so fast, and will be moving her 5th wheel to our place in the next few weeks. I am not looking forward to this at all. However, she will be paying us some rent, and helping with grocery shopping, and my hubby won't have to worry about her so much. At this point, we need all the money help we can get. With me losing another job, and hubby FINALLY back to work full-time (he only worked 16 hours the month of December... they were "too slow" to have him come in), we need to do whatever we can to save our house.
**I never wished my beautiful Storm a happy birthday. He turned 2 years old on December 7th. I love him so much, he is my guardian spirit. Happy birthday my beautiful boy.
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