I really need to get a grip and start writing in here. Actually the main reason is because my iron deficiency anemia is back with a vengeance and I am so dang exhausted all the time, all I can do is get through the day at work and then go home and collapse. I don't even have the energy to talk on the phone! Anyway, I am getting iron infusions again and hopefully will feel better soon. Thank God for my Native American health benefits, I always said that I'd never use them until I needed to...and when I got laid off a year and a half ago, I lost my insurance which was paying for my iron treatments at that time. So now I'm going to an Indian hospital nearby and they are helping me. :-)
So far the new living situation is not horrific, but not great either. I just really want MIL and SD to go away. MIL is not so bad when SD isn't around, which is hardly ever...so if it was just me, hubby and MIL, I think it would be ok. BUT MIL is so obsessed with SD and her son that it's just stress and drama 24/7 pretty much. I'm glad to be at work most of the time, and the rest of the time I'm trying to sleep, so I don't have to deal with it much. I feel so sorry for my hubby, dealing with these two lunatics and not getting to spend much time with me. SD and her son have been gone since Saturday, and it's been wonderful...they are coming back this Sunday or Monday and I wish they'd just stay there, of course. I miss my grandson, but not enough to want SD back! I'd love just being a 'normal' grandparent to him and see him often, without the stress of him living with us. Is that a terrible thing to say?? Actually, I'd be great with him living with us without SD and MIL...I'd finally have the son I always wanted to have with my hubby. Everyone thinks he is ours when we're out with him anyway...he looks just like my hubby. He's a gorgeous little boy. Huge blue eyes with lashes that brush his cheeks. Oh well.
I really like our new house, I'm hoping to find work somewhere that pays more than I'm making now so we can stay there, should MIL and/or SD leave (which is what I want). I'd love to be able to buy the house, but I don't see how that could happen. Right now it's nice to be able to call the owner if something goes wrong and get it fixed! LOL
Anyway, here's something I wanted to share with you...these are my two all-time favorite wild animals, and this picture just made me melt all over the floor. Enjoy!!
Click here!

I found my dream horse today.

In case I never mentioned it before, I am horse-crazy and have always wanted a Palomino. I thought I wanted an Arabian, but today I found the most gorgeous and reportedly sweet Palomino Tennessee Walking Horse!
I don't know a thing about that specific breed, but I read many owners' updates on horses they bought from this particular ranch, and they seem to be an amazing horse to own. The ranch's website is Cloud9Walkers.com and they really seem to take pride in raising and training their horses to be pretty darn close to perfect!
Isn't that funny that I'd be looking at horses at a time in my life that I don't have money or room for one? And isn't it sad that I found the horse I would adore for the rest of my life? Sigh.... it's just like that darn pink bike all over again, only a million times worse!

Homeless no more

Good news! We found a place to move. I am very relieved that there will finally be some stability in my life. It's been a long, hard road.
The house is nice, it's a year newer than our house we have now (5 years old), it has a fenced yard and a large covered patio so we can finally put our brand-new-still-in-the-box patio furniture to use. We will section off an area of the patio and yard for the doggies, and they will still have access into the house when the weather gets hot (which it's well on the way... 87 degrees today!). That way the area of the patio won't get all messy from them running around, and I won't have to worry about them eating the cushions! We've had this patio furniture since right after our house was built and kept it for the day we'd get the yard walled in and a pool. That day never came! I'm glad hubby talked me into keeping in the boxes. Anyway, the house is 3 bedroom, 2 bath, almost 1700 sq. feet (our house now is 2200 sq ft), but it seems large enough because it has an open floor plan that is very popular out here. We live on a very busy street now, and the new house is on a quiet cul-de-sac, which will be great for my grandson. It has a landscaped yard, which our house doesn't, and a huge garage (thank God) which is actually bigger than our 1800 sq. ft. garage we have now (yes, it's gigantic)... let me tell you, that was a big concern because we didn't know how we'd fit all the stuff from our garage into a 2 or 3 car regular garage. It's really a lot like our house now in many ways, which I think helped me think it could work out. We are planning on getting an above-ground pool at some point. The landlord is the builder of the house and is super cool. We are very lucky to have found him and the house. He was with us when we looked at it on Saturday, and decided that the carpet in the master bedroom (which I thought just needed cleaning a little), needed to be replaced completely! I was blown away. He's going to have the landscaping freshened up, the carpet replaced, and the place cleaned from top to bottom. Awesome!
We started to go into our speech about how we got to the point of losing our house, and how bad our credit was, and why we weren't horrible people for it, etc., and he goes, "I just want someone who will pay the rent and take care of my place! I know how bad things are, and that's the kind of people I'm looking for." I was like, "Well, then we are your people! We have always paid rent/mortgage ahead of the due dates, and when we were renters, we took care of the place as if it was ours. We always leave a place better than we found it! Look, here's a letter from our previous landlord stating just that!!" He laughed and said, "That's great! I'll keep the letter, but I really don't need it, just fill out the application so I have your information if I need it... it's a very short basic application." So I whipped out a very detailed application I'd already filled out for a different rental we were thinking about, and said, "Will this work? It doesn't have any company name on it, and it has a ton of information!" He looked at it and looked at me and said, "You're something else!" My hubby laughed and I said, "You got that right!" So we gave him some money to hold it, and we'll be moving in on or possibly even before the 1st of April. :-)
My MIL is due to arrive next Tuesday, I'm nervous how it will be with her living in the house with us, although she has done a complete 180... I still don't trust her. It will be nice having someone on our side though, when it comes to the idiot step-daughter and her failed attempts at parenting. I just have to grit my teeth like I've been doing (they are worn almost to nothing!), and get through it. Seems like that's the story of most of my married life, but with the economy being what it is, there is no other choice right now. It won't be forever living with these people, but I really hope it won't seem like it....LOL

That's life (that's life), that's what people say.....

So. Here I am. It's a beautiful day today, and I am off work in 52 minutes. I can hardly wait to get out there in the fresh air and sunshine. It has been one HELL of a week, but I am going to go with the flow and just move on.
Monday our house went up for sale/auction or whatever happens when the bank won't let you keep it... even though we've been negotiating/fighting with them since September. We actually haven't been able to pay a regular payment since July, but they wouldn't even talk to me until the loan was 2 months overdue. It looked for a while like we might be making some headway with them, but toward the end (the last month), my hubby and the guy who was trying to help us with all this were only able to get through to people in Costa Rica, or Honduras. They are the "guard dogs" of the actual bank negotiators who can actually do something to help people like us. There was NO getting through to a negotiator in the U.S., no matter how hard we tried. And they call themselves Bank of "America"... HA! That's a big, fat lie.
Anyway, we kinda had a little heads-up that this was going to happen as of last Friday so we started looking for a place to rent last weekend. We have been looking all week and have some more looking to do this weekend. I really don't know how we'd do it if my hubby wasn't home, he's really good at this kind of thing... but if he was working right now too, we'd be screwed. So that's good. It's been a challenge finding a place that we can make work because we live in a small town and we have a 2 dogs, a motorhome, boat, 2 trailers, the step-daughter, the grandson, and (yes, you heard it right) the MIL is coming back!!! She is actually going to be living in the house with us... I'm worried, but she seems like she's finally seen the light about what a good son she has, so maybe it will be ok. I just really don't know why I have to keep putting up with the two most toxic people in my life, but I figure God has a reason and it will all be worth it some day. Our goal is to find a place that isn't too expensive, and with MIL's help we can save some money and hopefully be able to buy another place in a year or two. It's not such a far-fetched idea, since many homeowners are carrying the papers for buyers with a moderate down payment. I'm sure things won't be too different in the next couple of years as far as the economy and home prices will still be low.
My sister had quite a health scare in October, there is a mass on her lung and our family has been very worried about her, she had a biopsy a couple of weeks ago, and it isn't cancer (thank God), but it does cause her pain at times and now they have to figure out what caused it and how to treat it. She is my very best friend and I love her so much, I would absolutely fall apart if anything happened to her. It's always been her and I, we grew up in little towns where friends lived too far away to play with except for at school... so all we had was each other. Then in later years, after my mom and dad divorced, it was my mom, my sister, and me. We are very, very close.
I'm so lucky to have them! And my hubby, and my friends, and my Harmony, and my doggies, and my angel baby grandson...LOL. Life can be good in the midst of chaos!

A new year, a new strength

Thank you, Harmony, for being my faithful friend. How sad that I'd almost forgotten my own blog... and being so wishy-washy about reading my favorites.
I just read my last post, and aside from being shocked that it was written in September(!), I was pretty bummed that I was so depressed. Of course, in reading it, I certainly understood why. However, I have some updates...
I am now working full-time for my hubby's foot doctor. It is a great job, and I really get to show off my organizational skills... this place was a disaster with the other girl running things (she's gone now). Bills weren't getting sent out, so we weren't getting money in, there were stacks of papers and charts all over the place like you wouldn't believe... just shoved in any available corner and covered with dust. Important information that hadn't been filed in over a year in patients' charts... it was unreal. Thank God, that kind of thing is right down my alley, and it's taken me almost 3 months to get (for the most part) the upper hand on things, along with (I'm not kidding) dozens of big garbage bags of shredded and useless paperwork and hours of rearranging. It's been very stressful doing all this while trying to run a Dr.'s office, but I have to admit it's also been kinda fun. Now everything is getting to feel like it's mine... and I know where and how everything is.
Our home is supposed to foreclose on February 5th, but we are working with a HUD approved company, Take Charge America, who is helping us negotiate with B of A to get a temporary modification. If we are able to make the payments for a certain amount of months, then they will do a permanent modification. That's the idea, anyway, and that is what I'm praying will happen. We may not know until a week or less before the sale date... isn't that stupid? All of us in the same boat have to jump through 1,000,000 hoops, while stressing out that we'll get denied and lose our homes... and they make us wait until the last possible second. Anyway, the guy we are working with seems pretty optimistic it will happen. Especially since I can now provide paystubs for permanent income, our guy said that is a huge plus for us.
Hubby is in the process of applying for disability, his back is now bothering him so badly that he can't stay in bed for longer than 2-3 hours a night. This has been a gradual condition that's worsened over the past 2 years, so between his foot and his back, he can't sit, stand, or lie down for more than a couple hours at a time. We have to be realistic in that no one will hire him with those kinds of limitations... and being 50 years old...with no formal education. He is super smart with electronics, music, building stuff and teaching, but his physical condition won't allow him to pursue any kind of career at this point. Apparently, the bank will also look on this favorably... as it is better than unemployment... which they don't see as permanent income.
On the DIL front, her attitude is a bit better, her son isn't melting down as often, so things aren't too bad at home right now... of course I'm gone 9 hours a day so maybe I don't see much of it. I feel SO SORRY for my hubby, who has to be trapped in the house constantly (which is driving him crazy), and SHE is there 99% of the time (instead of working and contributing to the household she's freeloading from). It must be a nightmare.
Christmas was pretty good, my MIL came out on Christmas Eve day, and I was heading the opposite direction to my mom's house...LOL. Really though, money was so tight that my mom and sister rented a car for me to drive to my mom's house where my sister was visiting, to be with them Christmas Eve. It was a 4 hour drive each way, and I've never been away from my hubby overnight before for something for myself. He used to have to leave for a week at a time when we were first married and he was in a band, but I've never left him for anything. I never would have left him on Christmas Eve either, but his mom was there, so I thought it would be ok. I came home Christmas Day, tired but happy. I want to do that again soon, and spend more time out there. It was really fun. When my grandson came home from his dad's that afternoon, we had a good time watching him open his presents. He was really into Christmas this year and it was cool. We'd put a little money away to spend on him for Christmas, and MIL brought a bunch of presents too.
So... all in all... I'd have to say that this year is starting out pretty well, and I am cautiously optimistic. If nothing else, I am stronger for all our trials and tribulations, when I'd never dreamed that I had more strength to tap into.
Life is full of surprises, eh?
P.S. Wellbutrin is a wonderful thing....LMAO :-)

I never thought I would be a statistic...

We are about to lose our home. There, I said it. I can't tell you how difficult it is for me to accept that this is going to happen. I am a fighter by nature, and this is a terrible admission. My husband hasn't worked since March, is collecting unemployment, and I am only working part-time for his foot doctor. In other words, our income is roughly 1/3 than it was when we were both working full-time.
The company he worked for (owned by the 'friend' we gave up everything for and moved out here to work with), closed and the 'friend' moved back to San Diego. There is no more band (I didn't even get a chance to perform in front of an audience), and the 'friend' had the audacity to complain about the fact that his job waiting for him in San Diego with Costco only paid $21.00 per hour. He actually said this to my husband who has NO JOB, NO PROSPECTS, LIMITED SKILLS, IS ALMOST 50 YEARS OLD, and don't forget, GAVE UP EVERYTHING TO WORK WITH HIM!!!!!
It makes me sick. But then, what else is new? I'm sick all the time now. The stress is really wearing on my health, and I still haven't been able to get my iron infusion that I've needed since January. At least I'm not hungry, therefore not eating, therefore losing weight. The stress diet is a sure thing for me.
I remember thinking everything I went through last year was so horrible, well, this year has really put it all to shame. My MIL moved back to San Diego (again), but the DIL and grandson are still living with us (of course!) and it is just awful. The whining, the melt-downs, screaming, and crying from him... and piss-poor attitude from her are making me want to give everything up. I really don't know why I am fighting to keep the house and going through the nightmare of trying to get a loan modification, if all I can see in my future is what I'm having to deal with now. I have started to leave twice now, she's been threatened to be kicked out twice now. But really, what does that solve? I leaves our grandson with no home and neither one of us can stand the thought of that. If I leave, I lose my hubby and break both our hearts. But honestly, I'd rather leave and have his broken heart on her conscience (knowing it was her fault), than having his broken heart on my conscience for kicking the grandson to the curb with her (and having it be because of me).
I just don't know what to do. Always before, when there was trauma and drama to get through for my hubby, there was a light at the end of the tunnel. "Well, the kids will be grown and gone someday", "Well his parents are old, and this won't last forever", "Well, it's worth it because we are getting our dream house", "Well, we gave up our dream house to come here and lose everything, but we still have each other." And now, I don't feel like I even have that. I have given up everything for him and his family and it's gotten me nowhere. My dad has little to nothing to do with me because he was shoved to the side for so many years, and my mom and sister too... although they forgive me and we are on good terms.
I have never felt like this before, I feel lost and alone. I don't know who I am, or where the real me went... or when she was gone for good.
I'm tired. Tired of crying, tired of complaining, tired of reasoning, tired of giving in and giving up, tired of explaining, tired of being angry and bitter.
I'm sorry.

A belated RIP to Michael and my childhood...

My mom called me in tears at work Tuesday, after watching Michael Jackson's memorial. my hubby was recording it for me, so I didn't know anything about what I was going to see, hear, or experience. She told me it was beautiful and very sad, and I told her I wasn't sure if I should watch it then, because I have been very stressed out and emotional lately. So much so, that I really hadn't accepted that MJ was truly gone. I didn't know if the memorial would send me into a downward spiral or help me start the grieving process. She said I should definately watch it, but only when I thought I was ready.
I got home from work and was talking to hubby about it. He'd been watching it all day, along with the commentary about things Michael had done that were so amazingly good, that hubby had no idea about. He wanted to know why no one ever reported on any of the good stuff and why MJ didnt' have a publicist or something to make it all known and to get credit for it. I told him that people (for the most part) pay more attention to dirt and negative things, so the media reports it and makes more money. I also told him that MJ didn't want credit for his good deeds, he did them because he was an extraordinary, kind, and gentle soul. My husband had a whole new perspective of MJ, and believe me, that was amazing in itself, because he was a hard-core skeptic when it came to MJ and his relationships with children. I'd tried and tried over the years to make him understand my feelings from DEEP in my heart that MJ didn't do those terrible things to those kids, but it was too far-out for him to get. And I understand that most people didn't get it, either. But I did. Don't ask me how, but I understood MJ completely. It hurts so bad to think of the pain he endured, all the while trying so hard to help people. We didn't deserve him.
He was such a huge part of my (and millions of others') childhood. My sister and my cousin were giant fans, my sister had a red jacket from the "Beat It" video, and she and my cousin would put on shows for us. It was hilarious. I've been a fan since I was 4 years old, listening to 8-track tapes of the Jackson 5 and the Carpenters in my parents' car. My mom told me once, that after listening to "I'll Be There" with her in the car, I sighed, turned to her and said, "I love him and am going to marry him when I grow up." Isn't that funny?
It seems every stage in my life had Michael in it somehow. There will be an emptiness now. I will miss him terribly and am so thankful I was alive during his time on Earth. He was an inspiration as an entertainer, and as a truly good person.